Pumpkin Product Review: Jet Puffed Jumbo Pumpkin Mallows
Available At: My cool friend Marlo got them at ShopCo.
Cost: Zero, if you have cool friends.
Review: You may be wondering why I’ve switched from my usual technique of showing a beauty shot of the pumpkin product to featuring it with a lovely model. That is because my model, Ian, was the one who was wise enough to see through the VERY MISLEADING PACKAGING and WEB OF LIES that is Jet Puffed Jumbo Pumpkin Mallows. I’d eaten one marshmallow uncooked and toasted another one, for through testing (I am a professional) and was pondering their level of pumpkin-y deliciousness when P&W said, “You know, there’s no pumpkin in these.” A review of the packaging and the ingredients list revealed the truth. These are “vanilla” marshmallows and contain no pumpkin or pumpkin spice. They are regular marshmallows, colored orange and shaped like pumpkins. They taste as much like pumpkin/pumpkin spice as the red marshmallows in Lucky Charms taste like balloons. Let Ian’s bravery as a whistleblower, his willingness to stand up to Kraft and the Jet Puffed brand, keep YOU from being misled. If you care, as marshmallows, they’re good. You could maybe put them on top of a mug of hot chocolate at Halloween and that’d be cute. BUT THEY’RE NOT PUMPKIN.
Rating: Do I have to say it? ZERO PUMPKINS.

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